Translating Razib

Razib's Gene Expression is a superb. It changed my whole world-view. I'll write about that again. But I'm learning to write better, using the ideas of William Zinsser in On Writing Well. I've noticed that to Zinsser, Razib is Sauron, he is 'the enemy' (a word he actually uses) Razib loves Latin. Any word of Latin origin. 'Why use a one syllable word when a 6 syllable word is available?', seems to be his guiding philosophy.

To further my own writing, I set myself a-translating. I picked a small post recently about politics, because it's a subject that doesn't need big words. Science doesn't either, and Zinsser can teach people to write science well, but there's a bigger excuse : phrases like 'pathogen load' can't be broken down to warm Anglo-Saxon.

Here's Razib:

Steve's review of Grand New Party is up. He suggests that much of GNP is laced with Sailerian wisdom; I think that's a fairly plausible point, though Ross & Reihan might claim other sources for the derivation of particular observations or datum. I've read about 3/4 of Grand New Party. I don't talk much about politics because I don't feel like I know much about it, and frankly, I don't allocate many cognitive cycles to the topic (though I do follow politics via my RSS, it's mostly a passive pursuit). Nevertheless, I've liked GNP mostly because the argument and perspective is relatively thickly scaffolded with data which is of a fundamentally apolitical character. I can say the same of one of the few other political books I've read in the past year, Brink Lindsey's Age of Abundance. I'll be putting up a review of GNP at my other weblog soon; I suspect it'll be the first positive review of a right-wing book on Scienceblogs, so I'll count myself a trailblazer after I click "post"!

And here's my translation:

Steve Sailer reviewed Grand New Party, a book by Ross Douthat and Reinhan Salam. He says that GNP borrowed a lot from him. I agree, but the writers could’ve got some of the details elsewhere. I’ve ran through about ¾ of the book and enjoyed it. They use plenty of facts, and the facts aren’t cherry-picked. Brink Lindsey’s Age of Abundance was the same. I’ll review GNP soon. It'll be the first positive review of a right-wing book in Scienceblogs history. Don't miss out.

It's vital I learn by doing.

Here's the idea:

I got rid of the big qualifier in the middle. I don't know much about politics adds nothing and only dilutes the message. Because Razib knows piles about politics, more than most. So why cut down your own authority?
Phrase translations: relatively thickly scaffolded , a barbarous phrase, TWO adverbs and a noun turned into a verb! 9 syllables!!! Translation: full.
I can say the same of one of the few other political books I've read in the past year, Brink Lindsey's Age of Abundance. Became: Brink Lindsey’s Age of Abundance was the same.
I think that's a fairly plausible point became I agree.
fundamentally apolitical character became not cherry-picked, a more homely phrase everyone gets.

Translating is useful. This is the only way I'll learn.
I'm using Zinsser's ideas at work too, and people say things I write are clearer and prettier.